Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
