Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize