I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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