Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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