god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
