We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
