i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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