mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I'm at about main and main street
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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