The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
