I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
