Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She has the best kind of daddy issues
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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