My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
