My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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