make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
