i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
