I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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