hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
