he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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