i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
