woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
