The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
