I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
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I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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