Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
