chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Randomize
