We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
