Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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