i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
