My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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