my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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