Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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