the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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