she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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