I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
