I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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