Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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