Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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