I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
