I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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