you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
