I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
