Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Randomize
