Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
