I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Is Oprah even human
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
