I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
