he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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