My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
