so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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