her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
