the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
