I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
