Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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