Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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