oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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