She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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