I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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