Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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