I wish I could teleport
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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